Game-over for Film Adaptations
Now I suspect that I am preaching to the converted, but just in case there are any poor, unwise souls out there, I present to you the four reasons why video-game movies will always be rubbish:
The film’s actually quite dull.
Sure, some of them may have done well at the box office, but can you actually remember what any of them were about? Go on, give it a try… I think we’re going to have to admit it – we just wasted the last 2 hours of our lives.
The film has nothing to do with the game.
Perhaps you want to know what happens to your favourite characters and the world they inhabit; not going to get it with films such as Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the series. It’s just cashing in on the franchise.
The game was never, in any way, translatable to cinema.
Now it’s all very well watching Jean Claude Van Damn beat up a leather clad Raul Julia, but Street Fighter was never going to rise above its throwaway plot and Kylie Minogue’s arse. Why anybody thought a beat em’ up would make an engaging story is beyond even the brightest of minds.
The film will rape you of your childhood.
Mario = Bob Hoskins
Yoshi = velocirapter
Mushrooms = semen-like webbing
Bowser = Dennis Hopper (seriously)
Life = suddenly empty.
However, there is a silver lining to this cloud; video-games themselves are becoming ever increasingly cinematic in scope. World War II shooters are getting so good now, that playing through a level can be every bit as thrilling as Saving Private Ryan. Indeed, some games could even be said to be films in their own right. The Metal Gear Solid series is now so film-like that I hear there is a 90-minute cut scene in the latest instalment (that’s longer than most Adam Sandler movies are and should be!).
So in the future, don’t be tricked into thinking that this time, they really will do a good job of it – trust me, they won’t. If we all rebel, and don’t pay to see the rubbish that is video-game movies, then hopefully Hollywood can get back to doing what it does best – children’s book to movie adaptations.