Seven is an important number, and is a part of our everyday lives. Think about it: seven days in a week, seven members in S Club 7… The list is truly endless. Now you’ve got one more reason to add seven to the list of all-time greatest numbers: the Impact Student Subject Survey. This concise survey aims to accurately distinguish between arts, science, and language students through its carefully constructed questioning. So, take the test, and be amazed at the unwavering accuracy of this, the most scientific of surveys.

What is your reaction upon reading this joke: ‘What’s the integral of 1/cabin?’ ‘A natural log cabin?’ ‘No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!’

1) What a hoot! Who knew antiderivatives could be this funny?
2) What is c? What is integral? This is not a joke, but a series of meaningful questions.
3) Huh? I’ll translate it into French, that way I’ll look clever and avoid the fact I don’t understand it.

How would you define Plato?

1) A great, big waste of philosophical time; I much prefer Pythagoras.
2) One of the greatest minds of any era, I loved The Republic… From what I could ascertain from the blurb on the back.
3) Easy – Spanish for ‘dish’.

You’re on holiday in a foreign country and you’ve got a day on the beach – what do you do?

1) Sit in the shade and draw circles in the sand, finding out the length of the circumference away from those attractive members of the opposite sex…
2) Hit the sand, and smugly get out your recently purchased copy of War and Peace. Fall asleep after the first ten pages.
3) Use your extensive knowledge of a foreign language to smoothly talk to a lady – or get slapped in the face because you confused ‘beautiful’ with ‘moose’.

You are playing a game of pool at a local bar, and it’s your turn: You:

1) Get your compass and protractor out, and wow all who are watching with your mathematical skills as you formulate an intricate calculation to pot the ball.
2) Suggest that it is not you who is hitting the ball, but it is the ball that is hitting you. Everyone stares blankly at you, as you smile in admiration at your deeply meaningful musing.
3) Say, “in Soviet Russia, the cue ball screws you.”

You are shown a Jaguar sports car. What do you think?

1) I wonder what its horsepower is, and what its top speed is? Numbers are all that matter!
2) Hmm, this car looks very stylish; I wonder how amazing and pretentious I will look in it?
3) It’s not as good as a Renault/Seat/VW (delete appropriately)…

What is your favourite programme on television?

1) Countdown; all those lovely number games! However, I switch off for the remainder of the programme…
2) Any period drama, or witty comedies, such as Frasier – the high-end of humour, like me.
3) Anything that is on TVE2, Canal +, or RTL, so I can enhance my skills (though if Fresh Prince re-runs are on…)

You buy a member of the opposite sex a drink in a club. Explaining your actions, your chat-up line is:

1) “Don’t worry about paying me, you’re like a neutron: there’s no charge. *snigger*”
2) “Do me, or not do me? That is your quest..ion *har har*’”
3) “I didn’t buy you ‘Sex on the Beach’ for nothing, baby. You come with me, and I’ll show you that the Armada isn’t the biggest thing Spain sent into the sea…*hideous smile*”

Mostly 1s: You are a mathematician/scientist. Who needs the English language/communication, when symbols and diagrams will suffice? Whilst you describe your peers who study Philosophy as “poncy”, you’re busy using your calculator to work out hard sums (or to write HELLO or BOOBS, depending on how juvenile you are).

Mostly 2s: You are an arts and humanities student. Posing impossible philosophical questions is your forte, and you use big words to sound incredibly articulate and cultured. Descartes, Shakespeare, Aquinas – you’re well acquainted with the greatest of minds. As long as SparkNotes has a synopsis of their works and definitions for those awfully big words.

Mostly 3s: You are a linguist. You wish you were French/German/Spanish/other, so force your adopted nationality upon those around you, speaking in your “native” tongue at any opportunity. You do whatever you can to improve your linguistic skills, such as watching classics like Amelie (only if you do French; any other languages, you’re watching it for all the “sexy” bits).

James Adams-Pace

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