‘I imagine that right now you’re feeling a bit like Alice; tumbling down the rabbit hole, I can see it in your eyes’. Morpheus (1999)

As you are probably already aware, ‘The Matrix’ stole this line from a well-known Latin poem about Freshers’ Week: ‘Numeros Somnium’. For all you freshers who believe how the construct known as the “University of Nottingham” explains its branding of various elements of student life, let me unravel some facts about Nottingham for you, without the use of the red pill, the blue pill, or any other form of hallucinogenic drug the pill-pusher Morpheus would have you take.

· Fresh·er (neubus studanti)

New to one’s experience

Recently made, produced or harvested

Slang: Excellent, first rate

A first-year, plain and simple. Identified by desperately attention-seeking dancing in clubs, and vomiting, lots of vomiting. The name suggests the first year is ‘new’ or ‘fresh’, do not fall for this, they tend to smell when gathered in large numbers. Can also be applied to the term ‘fresh meat’, which addresses their vulnerability when drunk in clubs. One smile and they’re suckered to your face all night. Pepper spray is your only hope when attempting to elude the grasp of a male fresher. Beware the slang definition; they are not excellent, they are strangely dependent on VK and chat-up-lines.

Synonyms: Fresh meat, drunk, first-year, horny, unstable

· Mooch (barus extortionatum)

To obtain, or try to obtain

To steal

Student Bar

To name a bar ‘Mooch’ suggests the key function inside its walls is to wait until the bill comes, then sheepishly ask your friends, or the person sitting nearest to you, for money. A dangerous location later on in the evening as many bar crawls commence and finish in ‘Mooch’, resulting in drunk and vomiting people (I’m giving Nottingham University a drunk and vomiting vibe pretty early on, I apologise… you also get flu; either Freshers’ or Swine, both very similar animals). I once knew a boy who dared to ask why the alcohol wasn’t sold at ‘student-friendly’ prices. We never saw him again.

Synonyms: Campus bar, Moochus Expensive, comfy sofa place

· Easy Tiger (wrappus your Toolium)

Easy: Not difficult, free from pain & discomfort

Tiger: A large carnivorous feline

Caught in the jungles of India at an early age, Easy Tiger was brought up and trained by students, who loved and cared for him. Sadly due to a number of STI’s caught from unprotected sex they died, and Easy Tiger took it upon himself to rid Nottingham University of sexually transmitted evils. The definition of ‘Easy’ works well, freedom from pain and discomfort is achieved by using one of Easy Tiger’s condoms; unfortunately the ‘large carnivorous feline’ description means many Freshers run from his grasp. Recently Easy Tiger’s purpose has come under debate as by practising protected sex himself, he is not helping breeding plans to save his endangered species.

Synonyms: STI Detector, Willy Sheather, Baby-Hater

· Hall·ward Library (Bookus Maximus)

Hall: A large room for public gatherings

Ward: The separate divisions of a prison

Library: A collection of books, stupid!

Located on University Campus this strange building is home to many books, DVDs, computers and fit studious girls. The purpose of a library is to attract people of all ages to enjoy literature, instead the horrible grey appearance of Hallward Library gives the impression that if you walk in you’ll instantly engage in a duel with Darth Vader. If you are unsure who your father is and wish to rescue a princess who looks curiously familiar, I advise you not to enter.

Synonyms: Dat place wiv dem books, Death Star, revision procrastinator

· Trent Building (Bigus Clockus)

Trent: A river that flows through Nottingham

Building: if you seriously don’t know, throw yourself off it

Also found in the centre of University Campus and overlooking the lake is this impressive building. What’s even more impressive is that one of the nicest buildings on campus is named after a scummy, rat-infested river, and further reminds us of our biggest rival; Nottingham Trent University. The man who came up with the name was sacked shortly after, but unfortunately the Students Union had spent a fiver on the sign, and were too tight to change it. The hourly chimes from the clock tower serve as a reminder to students working that precious potential drinking time is passing.

Synonyms: Clocky building, Trent, slippery courtyard of hell

Gareth Cash

Previous post

Unravelling Lockerbie

Next post

District 9

No Comment

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.