For decades, man has been plagued by a demon so terrible that few dare speak its name; a demon that sucks the very life and soul out of a man, leaving behind a dull and empty husk. I speak to you now of… the succubus.

What is a succubus?

A succubus is a demon that takes the form of an attractive female in order to lure in unsuspecting males. She disguises herself by integrating into a group of normal girls and is often indistinguishable. Once she has targeted a guy, the succubus abandons her pack to lure the unlucky chosen male into a “relationship.” She then begins the process of sucking the energy out of him. It’s unsure exactly how she does this (I dare not find out for myself, and none of my friends who have survived a succubus attack will speak of the traumatic experience) but demon experts are under common belief that it is done by taking semen from the target. This would certainly tie-in with the steadily decreasing amount of sex that occurs as the “relationship” progresses – for as the succubus drains more energy from her target, she will need less semen to preserve the possession. As the “relationship” persists, the male becomes increasingly dull and lifeless and stops engaging in normal activities such as going out with his mates. He only has the energy for such activities as romantic strolls, watching chickflicks or going on picnics. The succubus bewitches him so that his thoughts and existence revolve around her and it is not long before the target disappears altogether… (Presumably killed and possibly eaten by the demon).

What to do if you friend has fallen victim to a succubus:

1. First, make absolutely sure that his “girlfriend” actually is a succubus. Luckily, there are plenty of telltale signs. Does his “girlfriend” get jealous when he spends the slightest amount of time with you? Is he unable to admire other attractive women that he encounters? Has he started replacing the singular pronoun “I” with the plural pronoun “we”? Has he expressed a liking for the show Grey’s Anatomy? If the answer to any of these is yes, then I’m afraid he has indeed fallen victim to a succubus. Speedily follow these simple steps to free him from the succubus:

2. Get him alone. This will be tricky as the succubus does not relinquish her prey easily. Wait until dusk when she flies away to search out food for your friend.

3. Do not mention his succubus at first. By now he will be fully under her spell and any attempt to show him what his “girlfriend” truly is will not work. He will only take offence and will have probably have been trained to attack you. Instead, get him drunk. Very drunk. If necessary, spike his drink.

4. Find a decoy. She must be: a) more attractive than the succubus and b) a slut. Convince her that she wants nothing more than to sleep with your friend. (If your friend is very ugly or his succubus is very attractive then you may need to pay for such a girl… Otherwise, there is a plentiful supply on the dance floor of EQ)

5. By this time, your friend should be drunk enough that the spell of the succubus will be starting to wear off. Point out all the ways that the decoy is more attractive and appealing than the succubus. Eventually, after enough persuasion, your friend will sleep with the decoy.

6. Next morning, ensure that the succubus finds out what occurred. This will cause her to reveal her true demonic form. WARNING: This form is terrifying. In all likely cases she will hunt down her lost victim and try to slay him out of pride. Protect him until the succubus relents and moves on to hunt new prey.

7. Bask in your friend’s eternal gratitude.

How to tell if the girl you’re dating is a succubus:

Before the “relationship” stage it is often difficult to distinguish a succubus from a real girl. But there are small signs: Does she get jealous when you talk to other girls? Have you watched Grey’s Anatomy or any similar programme together? If so – run! Before it’s too late..

If you or anyone you know is suffering from a succubus problem, email [email protected] for advice and assistance.

Stephen Lovejoy

Previous post

What, Better than 300?

Next post

Obituary: The Happy Return

21 Comments

  1. TeraS
    January 12, 2010 at 16:09 — Reply

    *giggles mischievously*

    • Slientex
      March 2, 2015 at 13:08 — Reply

      No!….. :'(

  2. MadBlaz
    January 15, 2010 at 22:57 — Reply

    I can’t believe you could write such a thing. My boyfriend has now got it into his head that I am one of these “Succubus”. Why is it so bad to need his attention? Seriously, what is so outrageous about being needing to know where he is when I’m not with him? Personally I think his friends are a bad influence, they always get him drunk which is icky. I’m much more of a ‘mate’ than any of these guys will ever be.

    So thank you impact, my control over my boyfriend has now been compromised, I’m back at stage one again. It is going to take at least a month for him to get this silly idea out of his head

    • Olivia
      January 17, 2017 at 15:43 — Reply

      I sincerely hope that this article was purposed as a joke. Whether people believe in the idea of succubi and incubi or not, that is their own personal choice. I personally would never, ever have even blinked an eye at the idea until I was to witness the person closest to me, my boyfriend, being controlled by a succubus. I can not even go into detail describing the things I have felt, seen, and heard. It is far too confusing and utterly disturbing to go from complete disbelief in anything supernatural, to witnessing it first hand. And Ms. Madblaz, let me reassure you and your boyfriend that a succubus does not take human form in such a way as described here. This entire article disgusts me. It is complete bull-shit (excuse my language) and entirely disrespectful to joke upon this matter that so deeply effects many people around us. This article is a complete joke and pisses me off to no end. The false information they are putting out for people who are trying to better understand this matter, is nothing more than a story based off of 1400s mythology. I encourage your boyfriend to do a little more research on the matter before jumping to conclusions. I could keep ranting for days, so I better calm down already. Much love and I hope this has opened the eyes of anyone who might have taken this article seriously.

    • skankhunt43
      July 7, 2017 at 19:29 — Reply

      This is exactly what a Succubus would write
      8)

  3. Stephen Lovejoy
    January 16, 2010 at 00:02 — Reply

    Dear “MadBlaz”s boyfriend,

    Glad I was able to assist you in making this revelation.
    Get out before she reasserts her “control” over you.
    No-one should control your life other than yourself.

    (But be careful – they bite when they’re angry)

    Stephen Lovejoy
    Succubus Slayer

  4. James
    January 16, 2010 at 13:07 — Reply

    Sounds to me like you’re just jealous cos you can’t get a girlfriend yourself..

  5. Stephen Lovejoy
    January 16, 2010 at 16:26 — Reply

    Hahahahaaa!

    Damn. You got me James.
    My inability to charm women and continued singledom, has forced me into declaring all women to be soul-sucking demons.

    Whilst this article isn’t serious, there is a serious meaning behind. It’s not an anti-relationship rant. But there are too many unhealthy relationships out there where a guy has his life sucked out of him by his girlfriend. Your girlfriend should make you feel more alive, not less. Relationships aren’t about control or dominance, but mutual-respect and affection.

    I’ve lost too many friends to succubi…

    • Slientex
      March 2, 2015 at 13:11 — Reply

      Do they look blank in their eyes (like just pure white eyes with the mouth open).. is that a way to tell if someone has died by a succubus.

      plus succubus cant touch me no matter what because — idk.. sorry Step-san (san bit is supposed to be a polite way of calling you) but yeah O.O weird..

  6. I agree with Stephen
    January 16, 2010 at 16:48 — Reply

    “Relationships aren’t about control or dominance, but mutual-respect and affection”

    Exactly – well put. I would also add that trust is key to a healthy long term relationship.

  7. Sam
    January 20, 2010 at 15:24 — Reply

    And what would you call the male version? Men can be just as demanding of their girlfriends.

    I think this article touches on some important issues; relationships like this are not healthy. Though, admittedly, there are better ways at solving such issues.

  8. Stephen Lovejoy
    January 21, 2010 at 18:15 — Reply

    The male version is called an Incubus. They’re rarer, but they do exist.

    • Slientex
      March 2, 2015 at 13:13 — Reply

      yay they exist… :'(

  9. Jeremy
    April 9, 2010 at 18:55 — Reply

    Thank you for this insightful page of information. I too have lost too many friends to the succubi’s grasp of death. This will mark the beginning of my everlasting quest against the wrath of woman’s malice.

    Huzzah!!!

  10. Ren
    October 10, 2010 at 04:59 — Reply

    The male version is called an Incubus. They’re rarer, but they do exist.

    Not as rare as you might think .

  11. rose
    January 27, 2011 at 07:22 — Reply

    I think you’ll find that all women are succabus’s Stephen. In a world full of pornography and smut it is only natural for a gf to be protective of the person she loves – and jealous of anyone he may find attractive. There are sexual temptations everywhere that Mr Winky (an entirely seperate entity to your bf) can replace a relationship with that only leads to nothing but cheap thrills and misery. In a world like this you have to keep an eye on your man. As for greys anatomy lol, it’s boring.

  12. Me
    September 15, 2012 at 21:35 — Reply

    My roommate and best friend is in the grips of one. She is 24, no job, no education, a raging stoner financed by the allowance her parents still give her. I have to make appointments just to hang out with him, and she has moved in (though ‘she’ doesn’t pay rent or contribute to the house in the slightest). I’ve told him that he is alienating his friends, but he doesn’t care. I’m moving out soon, so I hope he’ll eventually realize that he has no life, just her.

  13. Ian
    March 31, 2013 at 19:20 — Reply

    I’ve recently managed to get away from my “wallet succubus”. Along with the other telltale signs one should note are a shrinking wallet and bank accounts.
    Thats where they are the most insidiuos because they cover it up with sweetness and sex.

  14. Soulsucker
    December 13, 2016 at 12:40 — Reply

    Dear writer, is there any cure for this

  15. Boots
    February 16, 2017 at 05:07 — Reply

    Succubi are the female version of incubi, although the word is actually masculine in medieval Latin because demons were supposedly sexless. The feminine form is “succuba”. It was supposed that incubi outnumbered succubi by 9 to 1.

  16. HELP
    March 27, 2017 at 05:03 — Reply

    I’m only 12 but I’ve been experienced weird shit I look energys and how to detect stuff.

    But here what I need help with
    . My dad used a quija board in the HOUSE
    .I FEEL LIKE IM BEING HAUNTED BUT NOTHING SUPER FUCKING CRAZY HAS HAPPENED ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT AND WHEN IM HOME ALONE PLZ SOMEONE RESPOND AND HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh also will a succubus try to get me I’m 12 but I 5’11” pretty tall and I produce semen.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.