For decades, man has been plagued by a demon so terrible that few dare speak its name; a demon that sucks the very life and soul out of a man, leaving behind a dull and empty husk. I speak to you now of… the succubus.

What is a succubus?

A succubus is a demon that takes the form of an attractive female in order to lure in unsuspecting males. She disguises herself by integrating into a group of normal girls and is often indistinguishable. Once she has targeted a guy, the succubus abandons her pack to lure the unlucky chosen male into a “relationship.” She then begins the process of sucking the energy out of him. It’s unsure exactly how she does this (I dare not find out for myself, and none of my friends who have survived a succubus attack will speak of the traumatic experience) but demon experts are under common belief that it is done by taking semen from the target. This would certainly tie-in with the steadily decreasing amount of sex that occurs as the “relationship” progresses – for as the succubus drains more energy from her target, she will need less semen to preserve the possession. As the “relationship” persists, the male becomes increasingly dull and lifeless and stops engaging in normal activities such as going out with his mates. He only has the energy for such activities as romantic strolls, watching chickflicks or going on picnics. The succubus bewitches him so that his thoughts and existence revolve around her and it is not long before the target disappears altogether… (Presumably killed and possibly eaten by the demon).

What to do if you friend has fallen victim to a succubus:

1. First, make absolutely sure that his “girlfriend” actually is a succubus. Luckily, there are plenty of telltale signs. Does his “girlfriend” get jealous when he spends the slightest amount of time with you? Is he unable to admire other attractive women that he encounters? Has he started replacing the singular pronoun “I” with the plural pronoun “we”? Has he expressed a liking for the show Grey’s Anatomy? If the answer to any of these is yes, then I’m afraid he has indeed fallen victim to a succubus. Speedily follow these simple steps to free him from the succubus:

2. Get him alone. This will be tricky as the succubus does not relinquish her prey easily. Wait until dusk when she flies away to search out food for your friend.

3. Do not mention his succubus at first. By now he will be fully under her spell and any attempt to show him what his “girlfriend” truly is will not work. He will only take offence and will have probably have been trained to attack you. Instead, get him drunk. Very drunk. If necessary, spike his drink.

4. Find a decoy. She must be: a) more attractive than the succubus and b) a slut. Convince her that she wants nothing more than to sleep with your friend. (If your friend is very ugly or his succubus is very attractive then you may need to pay for such a girl… Otherwise, there is a plentiful supply on the dance floor of EQ)

5. By this time, your friend should be drunk enough that the spell of the succubus will be starting to wear off. Point out all the ways that the decoy is more attractive and appealing than the succubus. Eventually, after enough persuasion, your friend will sleep with the decoy.

6. Next morning, ensure that the succubus finds out what occurred. This will cause her to reveal her true demonic form. WARNING: This form is terrifying. In all likely cases she will hunt down her lost victim and try to slay him out of pride. Protect him until the succubus relents and moves on to hunt new prey.

7. Bask in your friend’s eternal gratitude.

How to tell if the girl you’re dating is a succubus:

Before the “relationship” stage it is often difficult to distinguish a succubus from a real girl. But there are small signs: Does she get jealous when you talk to other girls? Have you watched Grey’s Anatomy or any similar programme together? If so – run! Before it’s too late..

If you or anyone you know is suffering from a succubus problem, email features@impactnottingham.com for advice and assistance.

Stephen Lovejoy

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