Word on the street is that it’s pretty tough to get a job these days, so it’s all the rage to remain a student for as long as is humanly possible. The only snag with this ingenious plan is that it’s pretty bloody pricey. So Impact has brainstormed a couple of ideas to help you out and keep you laughing all the way to…your graduation ceremony.

1) Marry a millionaire – follow the classic Marilyn blueprint and snag yourself a highly wealthy older gentleman… Reserve sexual favours until he ‘takes interest’ in your academic future.

2) Get a good poker face, learn to count cards and go to Vegas ‘21’ style (yes, I know that’s pontoon, but I’ve heard poker is rather lucrative too), earn your thousands and pull a Kate Bosworth look-a-like.

3) Pull a ‘tipping-the-velvet’ – find a rich, mature lesbian, explore your sexuality whilst being a kept woman… All in exchange for a loss of dignity and being put on a pedestal to be admired by similar minded women – albeit naked, painted gold and wearing a rather large rudimentary dildo.

4) Go on who wants to be a millionaire (or some other random game show). It worked for the Slumdog guy anyway.

5) Find a very rare and highly desirable antique in your shed and take it to our favourite perma-tanned dealer David Dickinson.

6) Tempt Theo Paphitis to invest in some shit product you invent: hang around in various Ryman flagship stores to pounce on him when least expected.

7) Write a highly plagiarised fantasy novel and earn millions – N.B. aim for the teenage girl market to increase maximum blockbuster impact. For an extra million, include a couple of vampires.

8) Invest in stocks and shares – O.K, I have absolutely no idea how this works, but some people have been very successful doing so.

9) Become an arrogant twat and have your own cooking show. Surefire win.

Emi Day

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