Ingredients, all basics/value except *

300g of Dark chocolate
2 packets of rich tea biscuits
1 tin of condensed milk*
200g of unsalted butter
250g of dried mixed fruit

Method

To start, you need to start melting the chocolate as this takes the longest: get a small Pyrex bowl, break up the dark chocolate, put the chocolate in the bowl, and place on the saucepan with boiling water.

Break up both packets of rich tea biscuits in a large bowl, but don’t crush into a ‘crumble’; large pieces are necessary for the ‘rocky’ look.

Begin melting the butter in a large sauce pan on a low flame and once that’s melted add the entire tin of condensed milk. Stir until the butter and condensed milk are consistent- you shouldn’t be able to distinguish between the two fluids at all.

Take the mixture of condensed milk and butter off the heat, add the crushed biscuit and stir until the biscuit looks entirely coated. Stir in the mixed fruit, and add about a half (or two thirds) of the melted chocolate and stir once again.

Place the mixture in a medium dish, spread out evenly. Now pour the remaining chocolate on the surface of mixture for a nice chocolate top.

Place the dish in the fridge and wait 5-6 hours for everything to set. Once set, cut into small (or large) pieces and enjoy.

Variations:

1. Add some orange zest to the melted chocolate while still on the heat for a homemade orange chocolate taste.
2. Try digestive biscuits instead of rich tea for a softer inner.
3. Add whatever takes your biscuit!

Phil Bowyer

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32 Comments

  1. Emma S
    March 26, 2011 at 11:25 — Reply

    Well this may have just made my day. I’ll definitely be trying it…

  2. James
    March 26, 2011 at 23:01 — Reply

    300,000 people marched on London today, many if them students and Impact’s lead article is on how to make a biscuit. Truly tremendous.

  3. March 26, 2011 at 23:30 — Reply

    Tiffin is a form of cake-like confection, I think you will find James, and not a biscuit.

  4. March 27, 2011 at 10:27 — Reply

    Making tiffin would probably have been more productive than yesterday’s exercise in unrealistic, left-wing, broken record-esque monotony.

  5. Annie
    March 27, 2011 at 12:17 — Reply

    I know why the lefties are so unhappy about cake-like teatime confections. It’s because proper tea is theft.

  6. David
    March 27, 2011 at 14:19 — Reply

    @James, it’s good of you to have volunteered your time and effort to write an article on the protests as you feel so strongly about it. Oh, hang on….

  7. March 27, 2011 at 18:40 — Reply

    Dear James,

    The UK’s previous level of public spending was completely unsustainable. It isn’t that much better now, but we can’t really cut your mother’s social security otherwise she’d be out on the streets again. If the money isn’t there, we can’t afford frivolous public services. Tell me, what’s the point in protecting services we can’t afford? You’ll end up paying dearly for it in the long-run.

  8. March 27, 2011 at 20:58 — Reply

    I wish to distance myself from Frank 2 and repudiate his comments.

  9. Stuart Neyton
    March 27, 2011 at 21:19 — Reply

    “The UK’s previous level of public spending was completely unsustainable”

    Don’t be ridiculous. There would be plenty of money to go around if the rich and the corporations all paid their fair share. Spending cuts leads to job losses which leads to huge numbers dependent on state aid, who will spend less and thus impact on the private sector in this buy buy buy capitalist world we live in.

    It should be the government’s job to redistribute wealth to ensure people from all backgrounds get the same opportunities in life. Instead it’s cutting the vital public services people rely on.

    If you think the working people and students created the economic crisis then you’re wrong. It was the bloated capitalists, bankers and their rich allies who caused this mess, not the people who clean their offices. How dare the ruling class then ask the working people to pay to sort this out.

    Over 500 000 of us marched peacefully against the tory and liberal democunts’ cuts (as well as labour’s delayed cuts). I stand in solidarity with those who took direct action against the corporate thieves and condemn the outrageous violence by the police.

  10. March 27, 2011 at 21:37 — Reply

    “There would be plenty of money to go around if the rich and the corporations all paid their fair share.”

    Paid their fair share?????!!!!!! Are you aware of the income tax thresholds in this country- giving away 50% of one’s income is definitely a fair share. Don’t get me started on corporation tax.

    “It should be the government’s job to redistribute wealth to ensure people from all backgrounds get the same opportunities in life. Instead it’s cutting the vital public services people rely on.”

    We have a communist in our midst. The world vital is also debatable.

    “How dare the ruling class then ask the working people to pay to sort this out.”

    They should have worked harder at School, then they’d be drinking the champagne and getting a cab home, not the 84 Bus.

    “condemn the outrageous violence by the police”

    What. A. Douche.

  11. March 27, 2011 at 21:40 — Reply

    Tiffin: The biggest source of controversy on campus in recent times.

    • Phil
      March 27, 2011 at 21:48 — Reply

      Doesn’t it just take the biscuit?

  12. Stuart Neyton
    March 27, 2011 at 21:50 — Reply

    “They should have worked harder at School, then they’d be drinking the champagne and getting a cab home, not the 84 Bus.”

    Who the fuck do you think you are???

    If you think our current education system enables social mobility then you’re having a laugh.

    “We have a communist in our midst”

    I think you need to change your name to McCarthy, sir.

  13. Tom
    March 27, 2011 at 22:10 — Reply

    If I were an american, then ‘Thats the way the cookie crumbles’.

    Maybe we should invite politicians over to sample our wares – in this case, the article is very useful for getting good debate going.

  14. March 27, 2011 at 22:16 — Reply

    “Who the fuck do you think you are???”

    You can be as vindictive as you wish, I can’t hear you over the sound of clinking glasses in this fabulous restaurant. I’m booked into The Ivy next week- you can come if you like- but you’d need to clean up your shanter before they let you in.

    Re. Social Mobility, don’t know about you but the kid who used to pick his arse during morning break at my school (which, incidentally, was a state comprehensive) is now an investment banker.

    Also, thanks for drawing parallels to McCarthy, I’m actually rather flattered to be associated with such a visionary. In terms of your out-dated, frankly cretinous, self-righteous overtones the following image illustrates your social standing at The University of Nottingham:

    http://bit.ly/fT3dW

    (independently verified by my 6 other housemates, I trust you couldn’t carry out a similar survey as you live on your own. Obviously)

    Regards.

  15. March 27, 2011 at 22:22 — Reply

    Not that I want to be a party pooper or anything, but I’m sure this article is about some sort of chocolatey treat. Relevant as confectionary is to the current political landscape of the United Kingdom and vice versa, I think this train of conversation is heading downhill pretty quickly.

    Keep it civil folks.

  16. Brendan Mahon
    March 27, 2011 at 22:28 — Reply

    Is it just me or did a comment by Frank 2 get replaced with a longer one….?

  17. Stuart Neyton
    March 27, 2011 at 22:32 — Reply

    Frank 2 you’re a complete waste of air. A hilariously unfunny one at that

  18. March 27, 2011 at 22:34 — Reply

    Hi Brendan! Nice to see you get your handsome face put here, while the rest of us don’t even have the pretty geometric patterns. Frank 2 (and perhaps Stuart too) appear to have wrote things that were actually deleted by impact! It seems impact does moderate its comments sections every now and then.
    Stuart doesn’t live on his own. Also, some people have a wider circle of friends than just the people they live with.
    Let them eat cake.

    • March 27, 2011 at 22:41 — Reply

      Frank2 put up a comment that got caught in the spam filter, which I then approved (guessing he got the verification thing wrong), and then he put up something more recent so I just deleted the old one.

      As for moderating the comments, as an outside observer the phrase “as bad as each other” springs to mind here, followed by “initially quite funny but going downhill”. As we’ve had Stuart’s rebuttal, I think we can safely call goodnight on this one.

  19. Brendan Mahon
    March 27, 2011 at 22:56 — Reply

    WordPress or Gravatar, Frank! Lets you put your photo on things, it’s lovely. And it’s not handsome! Making me blush.

    Let them eat cake…? Frank, are you who I think you are? 😛

  20. Stephen Lovejoy
    March 27, 2011 at 23:10 — Reply

    I find pretty amusing that a recipe about a chocolately tiffin has managed to attract a heated political debate.

    Some people really need to chill out and enjoy the tiffin.

  21. March 27, 2011 at 23:12 — Reply

    Yes, that phrase has unfortunately blown the cover on my anon-ness. I am indeed Mary Antoinette.

  22. James
    March 27, 2011 at 23:18 — Reply

    Whoops, my comment seems to have sparked a bit of a barney.
    I wasn’t, for the record, commenting on the rightness or wrongness of the march yesterday, only on the quality of coverage by this so called ‘student’ magazine. Still, it’s understandable that Mr Jackson would wouldn’t want to give too much publicity to the cause given his views. You really should be more temperate in that respect Dave. If that is, you want to be in the least thought of as a reasonable editor of a magazine that should be regarded as impartial since it’s supposed to represent the student body as a whole.

  23. March 27, 2011 at 23:35 — Reply

    My views on the protests lie somewhere between ambivalence and apathy. Thankfully when it comes to sections commissioning articles and contributors writing about them, my political views have no relevance whatsoever. Do you really think that I would go out of my way to suppress a story on this subject if one of our writers really cared enough to write about it? Drivel.

    It says enough that you think it’s our job to give ‘publicity’ to the ’cause’ (instead of impartially reporting on events), anyway.

  24. Tim Edwards
    March 28, 2011 at 00:26 — Reply

    Back to the cake.

    Anyone had the chocolate tiffin from Waitrose? Fucking good I’d say.

  25. Tiff Innmigob
    March 28, 2011 at 06:38 — Reply

    Tiffin = Good
    Protests = Controversy

    Sod the controversy and have some goodness in your lives. If you really thought your opinions were worthwhile, you’d write an article or a blog about it. Bugger off, I’m trying to enjoy my tiffin.

  26. cake loving marchers
    March 28, 2011 at 15:56 — Reply

    It is entirely possible to march AND enjoy cake, as demonstrated by my friend on Saturday:
    http://i53.tinypic.com/w1659l.jpg

  27. Libby
    March 31, 2011 at 22:33 — Reply

    if you want to see the calibre of some of the protesters on saturday watch this: http://abusergenerated.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/march-for-the-alternative-the-video/

    • dan
      April 1, 2011 at 12:44 — Reply

      read what its says below the video as well Libby

  28. Joseph Clough and Abigail Rowse
    February 11, 2012 at 16:27 — Reply

    Dearest Impact,

    Since our earliest days at the University of Nottingham, we have considered you the pinnacle of journalistic integrity. It should therefore not come as a surprise to you that when we awoke this morning with a baking craving, we turned to our favourite editorial publication for recipe suggestions. Indeed, Joseph recalled the moment he first observed this specific “tremendous tiffin” recipe in 2011. Clough, who is over two decades old, declares that he was imbued with a “strong yearning” to make the tiffin which had not subsided over the past ten months. We were overjoyed to at long last make this dream into fruition (if you will pardon the pun!).

    We diverted from this recipe in several ways which we would like to share with you. Firstly, we discarded with the 250g of dried mixed fruit entirely. This decision was not made lightly but after careful consideration, we opted out of this ingredient for reasons of personal taste, budget and lifestyle. Our second modification was somewhat risky; we opted to follow the path of one of student-cum-chef Phil Bowyer’s suggested variations. Once more, we deliberated at great length over this decision especially as we had never before attempted “tremendous tiffin”. However, it was Bowyer’s tantalising suggestion that the tiffin would result in a “softer inner” that finally swayed us.

    Some notable difficulties arose during our tiffin-producing experience. Our chief problem was with Bowyer’s recommendation that we use TWO packets of biscuits. This resulted in far too many biscuits that we had, most unfortunately, already broken up rendering them unsuitable for consuming at a later date. We dare not contemplate how much biscuit we would have unnecessarily wasted if we had followed the recipe exactly and incorporated the 250g of dried mixed fruit However, Bowyer’s instruction that we do NOT crush the biscuits was a valuable tip; it is certainly true that large pieces are necessary for what Bowyer poetically describes as the “rocky look”. On a whim, we made the maverick decision to integrate several “Rolos” (a “brand of truncated-cone-shaped or frustum-shaped chocolates with a caramel centre”) into our tiffin mixture, which we humbly believe has made our tiffin significantly more “tremendous”.

    Finally, we would like to draw your attention to Bowyer’s last gem of advice which suggests that the tiffin creator “[adds] whatever takes [their] biscuit”. We have interpreted this message figuratively rather than literally to mean that the maker of the tiffin is at liberty to let their creativity emerge. Further suggestions that we wish to proffer are the addition of “Smarties” (a “colour-varied sugar-coated chocolate confectionery”) or “Minstrels” (“milk chocolate buttons with a hard glazed shell”). Different varieties of chocolate for the melted mixture, such as white or milk, is another suggestion which we feel could potentially enhance the tiffin-maker’s end result. In addition, we will be lobbying the United Kingdom’s main supermarket chains to provide a value range of condensed milk so that those on a budget can receive even more “tremendous” pleasure from their tiffin.

    In summary, we very much relished both the creation and consumption of our “tremendous tiffin”. Thank you very much indeed, Phil. We look forward to attempting other Impact recipes in the future.

    Yours faithfully,

    Abigail and Joseph

    P.S. No ifs, no buts, no education cuts.

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