In an ideal world, housemates would behave like the cast of Friends; slightly dysfunctional but work well as a group and, let’s be honest, who would mind sharing a house with Jennifer Aniston?

Unfortunately, in the real world this is not the case. As much as you know and love your friends, living with them is a whole new kettle of fish. Housemates can range from angelic to the spawn of Satan, so beware. Here’s our breakdown of what folk you may encounter:

The Domestic God/Goddess: The Domestic Goddess (apologies for the sexism, but let’s face it, a guy doesn’t know the difference between a toilet brush and a hairbrush) wakes up early for a morning run, cooks breakfast and makes the bed before you’ve stumbled home from your night out. We all know one, and to be fair, we all need one. Who else is going to persuade us to wash and iron our clothes? Who else will do the washing up when no one else bothers? The Domestic Goddess, that’s who.

The Slob: In juxtaposition to the Domestic Goddess, we have The Slob. They refuse to leave their pit of a room, occasionally emerging for food or, sometimes, a lecture, and tend to leave their belongings all over the house. They think the dishwasher is a washing machine and pre-lash with mugs/bowls/anything that’s remotely clean. Items usually found in The Slob’s room include half eaten cereal packets, the strewn-out contents of a bag (post a night out), money, dirty clothes and miscellaneous liquids. Their room must only be entered in extreme situations.

The Couple: If you are unfortunate enough to live with a couple, I pity you. The never-ending displays of affection, the bedtime noises you really hope are animals mating outside somewhere, and occasionally the rows. Living with a happy couple can be difficult for those with a non-existent love life, so pull out the sympathy card if the closest thing you have to a partner is a Megavideo account. Break down in front of the pair and explain how heartbroken you are; it’ll work like a charm.

The Geek: The Geek will not disrupt household balance, but will scare the housemates. The Geek will shut themselves off from the world and will most commonly be seen buried in a book with a worried expression plastered across their face. The Geek will not join you for pre-drinks at Coco Tang. The Geek might inspire the housemates to endure more lectures and do more work; however this is unlikely and will just get annoying.

The Jackass: There will always be a housemate that takes banter just a tad too far. Most likely a male, The Jackass will probably play rugby or football, have many arch-nemeses, and regularly get thrown out of clubs/taxis. Typical Jackasses will poke food under your door, stick condoms to the bathroom walls and mock you each time you enter a room. The only way to contend with a Jackass is to either up your banter level, or lock your door; they just won’t back down.

The Drunk: This housemate is always carried home, is likely to vomit after most nights out and will bring a new person back with them more than twice a week. Not only do you have to endure the small talk at breakfast, but you also have to look after The Drunk to ensure your bathroom stays intact and usable. Next time you are out with The Drunk, swap their vodkas for water and keep them away from the opposite sex to ensure a one night stand-free bowl of Special K the following morning, as well as a pristine bathroom. 

So there you have it, a run-down of the archetypal housemates you may have found yourselves living with. I must point out that there are a few normal human beings trying to behave in a functional manner, but they are few and far between. If you find yourself in a house full of regular housemates, I’ll do you a trade.

Rachel Taylor

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