Disney holds a place in the hearts of most people. Most people, except me. I have a confession to make and it’s not a very pleasant one; I don’t shed a tear when Bambi’s mother dies, I’m not overly enamoured with the Lion King and I’d be more likely to throw Ariel back into the sea then help her get out of it. But before you write me off as a stone-hearted cow; take into consideration the fact that I was deprived of a childhood. That’s right! My parents never introduced me to Disney and robbed as I was of a warm and fuzzy childhood, at 20 years young I embarked on an infantile journey to the land of Walt’s animations. This is what I discovered…
Beauty & the Beast
The Beast is a psychopathic, inhospitable criminal who has a penchant for kidnapping. Beast shows himself to be a Smooth Operator by pissing off a powerful witch disguised as a beggar, kidnapping a father (!) and then imprisoning that father’s daughter who evolves into his future love interest. Form an orderly queue ladies, I’m sure Beast will be fighting you all off with a stick (and chains).
This film caused a bit of controversy for describing the East as the kind of place where “they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face,” this was swiftly removed but there is a point in the film where if you listen closely it sounds like Aladdin is saying “good teenagers take off their clothes” (check it out on Youtube) Still this is definitely one of the better Disney films out there, Aladdin is a petty thief after my own heart, 10/10 this time.
The Jungle Book
The only ‘bare necessities’ I needed to watch this film was a shoe to throw at the screen.
Love-struck woman/fish is prepared to sever all ties with home for a man she caught a glimpse of. To meet him again, Ariel cuts a deal with the devil (always a good move) where she gives up her beloved voice as collateral, because of course a woman without a man is like a fish out of water. Also the suspiciously Jamaican-accented crab teaches Ariel that “Under the Sea” life is infinitely better than anywhere else as you don’t have to get a job. I’m sure I saw him queuing up for benefits in the post office last week.
I don’t know about you but after a heavy night out, I like to lie in a little longer than usual. Sometimes I even fall asleep in my dress and make-up. So when I awake to find some presumptuous bloke on top of me, my first thought would be of safety, not matrimony. If in doubt, please shout out.
Is it me or is Wendy ever so posh for an 8 year-old? Also what is Tinkerbell’s problem?! As a child I loved to get my tiny hands on any Tinkerbell merchandise thinking she was this cute, little pixie that adorned my walls and pencil case (I’m not sure why my mum bought me this stuff, she may as well have got me the DVD) instead of the malicious she-devil she turned out to be.
Mulan shows them all how to do it like a brother, do it like a dude. Brilliant soundtrack to this and another 10/10 for Disney! A good ol’ film that doesn’t glamorise theft, kidnapping or being on the dole.
And another thing-where are all the women in Disney? Where’s Jasmine’s mother? Pocahonta’s mother? The Little Mermaid’s Mer-mother? Snow White’s mother? Belle’s mother? Sleeping Beauty’s (negligent) mother? Walt Disney is clearly projecting some unresolved mother issues into his films.
So there you have it, my rundown of the good, the bad and the bizarre Disney films. I’m not even going to start on the racist and sexist bits, type in ‘Disney racist’ or ‘Disney sexist’ into Google and you’ll receive up to 5 million hits on these topics. I definitely understand the uses of films such as these – I’d have loved to have grown up on a diet of Disney films and Cabbage Patch Dolls, alas it was not meant to be. I was pleasantly surprised with Mulan and Aladdin; which turned out to be classics for anyone above the Disney-age. And thus with my tattered childhood shoddily repaired I must bid you adieu. Oh and by the way Bambi, I’m sure your mum would have made for some tasty venison!