Dear Uncle Sam,
It is my final year in Nottingham. I have got with plenty of girls since coming to University and I’ve been in a long-term relationship. The only thing I have yet to do is have a one night stand. I have heard they are amazing. How do I make this happen?
Dear Mr. Romantic,
The ‘One Night Stand’ is a rite of passage for every student. If you leave University without having one, you might as well not have come here at all. However, to become a true Sexual Sensei, preparation is key and will ensure you go home that night with some big breasts rather than a Big Mac.
You have to be confident. Psych yourself up in the mirror beforehand with a few pelvic thrusts to get the rhythm going.
Equip yourself with the essentials: condoms, lube, and a pen and paper (for later).
Once inside your chosen club, survey the scene with the grace of a ninja. You must present yourself with clear intentions. Approach girls slowly, moving your hips from side to side while adding in a few of the rehearsed pelvic thrusts, indicating your interest.
Instigate the mating ritual by sticking your tongue down her throat. 8 minutes of this is acceptable alongside small talk with a maximum of 5 questions. With the ice sufficiently broken, suggest leaving the club and dazzle her with your best seductive smile. If she agrees, go forth! Hail the nearest cab and flee together, in almighty pursuit of bodily pleasure.
And so it is time for some sweet, sweet lovemaking. Resolve any uncertainties beforehand with Channel 4’s documentary “The Virgin School” for an in-depth analysis on everything ranging from gentle petting to full on sexual intercourse.
Once the act is done, it is time to sleep, celebrating your success. Approximately 3-7 minutes of cuddling is admissible but then you must turn towards the wall and rest yourself, weary warrior.
As soon as you can sense dawn breaking, it is time to retreat. Subtlety is essential here or else you may have a potential girlfriend on your hands. Call a taxi and tell them to come immediately. Finally, with the pen and paper, leave her a note reading “Thank You”. A little sophisticated courtesy will seal the deal, leaving your reputation intact.
You must now fly like the wind out of this place and vow never to return, finishing the deed with a celebratory fist pump.
Enjoy the beginning of manhood!
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