After a perilous journey up the M1 in his 2010 VW Polo (with epic speakers), Jack Wills-Abercrombie began his quest for social validation. Armed with a wardrobe of stripy polo shirts and an insatiable desire for banter-infused lash, he has now cemented his position as the arch-BNOC of University Park. Jack feels it is now his duty to endorse the BNOC message. He’s less about Uni, and more about UNAY!

Dear Jack , I want to make the most of Freshers week, but I’m worried I’ll be too tired to go out EVERY night, any tips to keep me fresh?

Cheers, Matthew.

***

Hi Matthew,

The very mention of tiredness during Holy Week is a dishonour to our venerable Holy Week One disciples who have, so very kindly, bestowed the Fresher Doctrine on the current student sleazepit. I implore you, embrace it, don’t deface it. Tiredness is the anti-BNOC.

Let me lay it out for you straight. Voddy is a must, as are some classic gap yah anecdotes and a pair of boaters or flip flops. A first-rate lid is also essential (short back and sides preferable).

If you fail to produce on any of these accounts, it’s likely that you’ll be condemned to a university career of Facebook/real life obscurity. Could anything be worse?

Anyone who fails to meet the demands required by Holy Week will be summoned to a disciplinary hearing by the Almighty Committee of BNOCs, who will punish you as they see fit (international drinking rules apply).

Jack 

Any UNAY queries you want Jack to answer? Send them to [email protected]

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3 Comments

  1. Dunkerque
    September 24, 2013 at 13:36 — Reply

    Don’t hate on the Dunkirk massive, Jack. Ain’t no party like a Lace Street party.

  2. Ralph Lauren
    September 25, 2013 at 23:18 — Reply

    Wow, this year’s Impact looks like it’s going to be a treat… Seriously guys you’re devaluing a quality student publicaiton

  3. Anoni Mous
    September 26, 2013 at 09:58 — Reply

    What a funny article this is! said no-one ever

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