In my column, I (Alex Noble), using a very questionable pun on the surname of Swedish chemist and expert prize giver Alfred Nobel, give out my own prizes to those people in the news and world of celebrity that truly deserve it. Shall we?
THE VIVIENNE WESTWOOD AWARD FOR HYPOCRITICAL STATEMENTS – MEHDI HASAN
Without doubt this coveted award goes to a certain Mehdi Hasan. Lauded as some sort of demigod in the past few weeks after his tirade on the Daily Mail, it later became apparent that Hasan had actually applied for a job within the ranks of the paper itself. Now the judges at the Noble prize understand the bitterness felt when you don’t get that job you’ve craved, but Medhi, this award will surely soften the blow.
THE ARMITAGE SHANKS AWARD FOR INCORRECT SANITARY DISPOSAL – THE UoN RUGBY UNION CLUB
Impact recently covered the bizarre story of why the university’s rugby team had been banned from taking part in this year’s Varsity fixture. In a series of events that makes the Watergate scandal look like penny sweet theft, it became apparent that during a ‘Father and Son’ initiation, one keen member of the squad ‘defecated’ in a sink in a hall on campus. In a statement, Rory Leadbetter, the men’s Rugby Union Club President described the situation as ‘frustrating’ and ‘draining’. We’ve all been there Rory, but surely the food in halls isn’t that bad? No wait, it probably is.
THE PAULO DI CANIO AWARD FOR INTERESTING APPOINTMENT – DANNY MILLS
This week FA chairman Greg Dyke picked his select committee to investigate why things are going wrong in English football. Now I know what every English fan was thinking as soon as Dyke spoke a few weeks previously on the matter – ‘SOMEONE CALL MILLS’. With nearly 20 England caps to his name, and a club career that took him to the heights of Norwich City, Leeds United (admittedly when they were good), Manchester City (admittedly when they were rubbish) and a brief loan spell at Hull City, his qualifications for forecasting future international success are undeniable. In a recent press conference, Spanish national coach Vicente Del Bosque noted that Mills’ appointment had sent shockwaves around the world, and that his midfield players had gone into counselling to try and cope with the inevitable shifting of power that will now occur in the coming years. Strong words, and one can only hope Mills fulfils that potential. (Hey that rhymed!)
THE KIM AND AGGIE AWARD FOR POOR DOMESTIC PERFORMANCE – SILVIO BERLUSCONI
This week it was reported that former Italian PM and all round good guy Silvio Berlusconi has been getting to grips with home life. His girlfriend, Francesca Pascale (a good 49 years his junior) has been speaking to the Italian media this week, accusing them of victimising her loving boyfriend (a loving boyfriend who found this girlfriend after she started a ‘We Miss You Silvio’ campaign following his withdrawal from the Italian leadership). In the interview, she spills the beans (you’ll get that in a second) on Silvio’s excessive, Stewart Downing-esque overpayment on green beans (told you you’d get it). Pascale mentions that ‘they ordered huge crates of fish – even though everyone knows he does not like it. He doesn’t even like the smell’. This statement is a pun writer’s wet dream, and doesn’t even warrant comment. Wait, it does? Oh, go on then. SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY ABOUT YOU SILVIO! That felt good. Moving on…
THE BEAR GRYLLS AWARD FOR UNEXPECTED SURVIVAL – AN AUSTRALIAN PLATYPUS
One of the more remarkable stories the judges at the Noble Prize came across this week was the case of an Australian platypus that managed to survive a 15 kilometre car journey stuck in a car engine. After a quick seeing to, the platypus was discharged from the vet shortly afterwards and able to spend some time with family (presumably). This story is undeniably heart-warming, yet according to reports, ITV bosses are seeing the business value, with plans to include the ordeal as a ‘Bush Tucker Trial’ in the next series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. I’m sure one of the Made In Chelsea crowd is already on a plane (first class though dahhhhling).
So there you have it, that was this week’s fix. The judges will now regroup to bring you next time’s haul of awards. In the meantime, watch how much you’re spending on green beans….