Welcome to the second edition of the Noble Prize, the column that celebrates great achievement (and regular mediocrity) in the world of news, celebrity and sport. And a few bits and bobs from closer to home (no not London, don’t get too excited). Shall we?
THE MR KIPLING AWARD FOR EXCEEDINGLY GOOD CAKES – Frances Quinn
The final of the country’s favourite confectionary porn show, the ‘Great British Bake Off’ took place this week, with an impressive audience of around 9 million tuning in to see Frances Quinn be crowned master baker (sorry, that was childish). Quinn impressed overlords Berry and Hollywood with a cake inspired by ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’.
A clothes designer by trade, Frances lamented over having to hold back the news of her victory in the summer until now. ‘I remember watching the Wimbledon final the following week and getting so emotional… and thinking at least Andy Murray doesn’t have to hide his trophy under his bed for the next three months,’ she told the BBC. On hearing the interview, Murray has in fact agreed to swap professions for next year’s Championships and will be appearing on the show as Frances strides out on to Centre Court. Now that is something that would break the 9 million listener record.
THE PETER ANDRE AWARD FOR LARGE SCALE LOSS OF INTEREST – Nick Grimshaw
In figures released this week, it was discovered that the totally coolest dude ever Nick Grimshaw had achieved his dream of solely having celebrities for listeners after ratings showed that the Radio 1 Breakfast Show host had lost a staggering 300,000 listeners over the past three months.
His listenership is now in a similar region to that of Sara Cox’s ill-fated show a few years back, and the NP (Noble Prize) can only assume that the two will combine forces in the near future to create something so chillingly northern, that you can smell the factory fumes coming out of your car radio (Industrial revolution reference, not all odours still apply). It seems that in Radio 1’s relentless quest to lower the age of its listeners, they have now appealed to children who are so young that they aren’t even capable of turning a radio on. Congratulations on your award.
THE WEEK ONE REP AWARD FOR FAILING TO LET GO– A Group of Well Wishers at Prince George’s Christening
The nation’s favourite small person Prince George was christened in a private ceremony this week, with some lovely ‘aww- inspiring’ photographs released too. As if 2012’s British love in wasn’t enough (with novelty flag makers currently enjoying their new villas in the South of France), a photograph has circulated with some ‘well-wishers’ taking their positions outside St James’ Palace, a good 24 hours before the event began.
What we here take offence to at the NP is the description of these people as simple ‘well-wishers’. The phrase that springs to mind is ‘unemployed UKIP voter’, but not sure this would make the grade on a national level. To use a student analogy, these people remind us of the upcoming ‘Crisis Reunion’ in London. 2012 enthusiasts, afraid to let go of the great times that have gone before them, clinging on to that one event that will bring back the ecstasy just for those 24 glorious hours (We can’t confirm that the Crisis reunion will last 24 hours though).
THE UoN RUGBY UNION CLUB AWARD FOR POOR DISTRIBUTION OF BANTER – The UoN Women’s Officers.
We are Bantersaurus Rexes here at the NP and we were horrified to discover that ‘Lad Culture’ has been slammed. Beep Beep, this banter bus is reversing out of town, as the NUS slammed the recent controversies that have put our rights to being laddish in jeopardy. The UoN Women’s Office Core has spoken to Impact about recent developments, stating that ‘It is difficult to tread the line between harmless humour and comments which demean feminine traits and trivialize issues such as domestic violence and rape.’ The officer has a point, but that’s mainly because we Facebook stalked her and found out she was well fit. Anyway, we’re off for a pint or nine and we’ll tell you about our walks of shame next time. Bant on!!!*
*DISCLAIMER: These may not be the actual views of the Noble Prize. (we went to the UoN law department and they advised us to include this).