Starting Uni can be a daunting experience, and its true that every Fresher will be faced with burning questions about attending University. Luckily for you, Walt, Jesse and Saul from hit show BREAKING BAD were on hand to provide crucial advice on partying hard, passing exams and student finance.
Dear Walter, I’m terrified of failing. How can I make sure I pass?
You’re terrified of failing? You don’t know the meaning of terrified. My family will be lucky if they make it to new years, and you’re worried about a little ‘F’ next to your name. Get some perspective. We’re all scared of failing, it’s what being an adult is all about. Do you think I was overjoyed when the doctor told me I had cancer? Cancer doesn’t give you the option of failure. Kids these days are all about quick fixes and easy solutions. The only way to succeed is by hard work. Look at Mr. Pinkman, never worked a day in his life. Well, if smoking marijuana, eating cheetos and masturbating constituted hard work, he’d be freakin’ Einstein. But even he surprised us, with a little hard work he became a damn fine cook. Heisenberg better watch out.
Yo Jesse, you love partying right? How the hell do you manage to wake up in the morning after an insane night out?
If you need to get up for a 9am or some important shit after you’ve been out slinging crystal all night then there are things you can do to wake yourself up. No drugs yo: weed helps with my nausea first thing in the morning but it’s not gonna help you study (plus the DEA are up everyone’s asses these days). First off get yourself hydrated, yo – that shit is important, like really, really important. Water or coffee, or if that doesn’t do it for you, get some Gatorade down yo neck. Next, instead of cookin up some pure blue like me and Mr White, just cook up some breakfast: I’m talking sausage, egg, beans, jack some mushrooms in as well – now that shit’s gonna wake you up, you follow me? But stay away from Los Pollos Hermanos (that stuff’s bad for your heart). And there you go – full stomach sustenance yo! Now get the fuck out there, you got lessons to learn bitch!
Dear Mr. Goodman, I’m low on funds! But I can’t be bothered to work. Any advice on making some easy money?
So you want to make a little money but you want to sidestep the law? Well you’d better call Saul! So, first things first, you’re gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your boy scout leader, and they’re gonna deliver me a check for $2650.00. Actually, ah, I want it in a money order and make it out to “Ice Station Zebra Associates.” That’s my loan out. It’s totally legit… it’s for tax purposes. After that we can discuss Visa or Mastercard, but definitely not American Express, so don’t even ask, alright? Okay so the plan is to sue the University for work stress, so any emotional trauma you’re experiencing right now, I want you to play it up a bit, maybe rub something in your eyes to emphasise lack of sleep? Remember, if you’re committed enough, you can make any story work. I once told a woman I was Kevin Costner, and it worked because I believed it. See you in court!