After a perilous journey up the M1 in his 2010 VW Polo (with epic speakers), Jack Wills-Abercrombie began his quest for social validation. Armed with a wardrobe of stripy polo shirts and an insatiable desire for banter-infused lash, he has now cemented his position as the arch-BNOC of University Park. Jack feels it is now his duty to endorse the BNOC message. He’s less about Uni, and more about UNAY!

Dear Jack,

I had a really heavy night last night and it was pretty sick – great tunes and great jaegerbombs. The only problem is that I’ve got the mother of all hangovers and my parents are coming to visit today. They majorly disapprove of anything to do with alcohol so I need advice on how to make myself seem presentable. Any tips?

Joe

***

Joe, my friend,

Fear not. Many have gone before you in this epic test of deception, and many will go after you.

Indeed, this problem has confounded BNOCs since the dawn of time.

At times like this you must remember that your bank balance won’t sustain itself. One must pay homage to Mum and Dad, lest the Jaeger stops flowing and the Dinos stop arriving.

Importantly, you need to erase any evidence of last night’s banter.

I call this Operation SNOC (Small Name on Campus):
1.  Have a cold shower, douse yourself in deodorant and eat a pack of Trebors.

2. Put on a shirt, bright jumper and chinos. You’re going for the ‘I’m predicted a First’ look.

3. Lie. You’ve been volunteering at Alcohol Concern.

4. Crucial: you spent last night watching Panorama. The situation in Syria is just dreadful. Remember some statistics if you must.

5. Grin and bear it. Listen to the boring stories from home and pretend to be interested.

Good luck, and hopefully I’ll see you next Wednesday.

Big up,

Jack 

If you have any questions that you would like Jack to answer, send your queries to [email protected]

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