It’s that time again where I, Alex Noble, award the winners of this week’s Noble Prize, celebrating success, failure and the downright weird in the world of news, celebrity and closer to home. Let’s get a move on.
THE JAPANESE UNDERGROUND AWARD FOR SERVICES TO OVERCROWDING – THE NUMBER 34 BUS
Yes, it is now so impossible is it to board the bus that delivers us on to our beautiful campus that it has been listed as a new wonder of the modern world. With the huge increase in students purchasing the competitive £199 academic year pass, we are now subjected to underground style crushes on a daily basis. Judges at the NP at one point this week had to wait for four buses before they were able to board one.
Not only is this a problem, but the more students present means more inane chat, interesting smells, and discontented girls. The NP spoke to Nottingham City Transport about this problem, and double deckers are in the pipeline, however they won’t be in operation until some point in 2014. The £199 would have been better spent in Ocean, and that is saying something. However it’s still funny when the bus is full and you see the faces of the unlucky few at the stop by Portland. Wheyyyy. (Mature).
THE JASON MANFORD AWARD FOR INAPPROPRIATE USE OF TEXTING – JAMES ARTHUR
It became apparent this week that X-Factor winner/all round bad boy James Arthur had become embroiled in a textual battle with One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson, with Arthur branding Tomlinson a ‘little bitch’. Presumably, Arthur’s marketing team have been given strict instructions to shape Arthur in to a North-East version of Sid Vicious. But Arthur didn’t seem to get the memo, when in his Twitter tirade on boybands, he made the exception for JLS, who in his words are ‘genuinely the coolest people I’ve met in music’.
Arthur’s UK tour completely sold out last week, simply due to ticket sales from the whole of the Dalston and Shoreditch areas of London, who read Arthur’s words and celebrated the fact that punk had returned to Britain.
THE TESCO AWARD FOR ‘EVERY LITTLE HELPS’- LILY ALLEN
It’s that time of the year when everyone’s favourite overpriced department store John Lewis release their heartstring puller of an advert designed to make people feel better about themselves by proceeding to open their wallets and purchase a solar powered toaster for a loved one during the festive period. These adverts have featured classic songs being covered by edgy females, going straight to number one after being purchased by an army of 14 year old girls who still to this day believe Elton John managed to cover an Ellie Goulding track.
Lily Allen has always spoken out against the music industry and its corporate greed (and its especially crippling effect on creativity) so naturally when the call came about her covering Keane’s hit ‘Somewhere Only We Know’ for the United Kingdom’s most well known department store, she laughed it off in disgust….Wait, what? She did it? What does it sound like? Oh God…
THE PAUL GASCGOINE AWARD FOR GETTING BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK (KIND OF) – CHRIS BROWN
Good news readers. Some excellent news in fact. Everyone’s favourite ladies man and very occasional singer Chris Brown has stopped domestically abusing women. We can gladly report that period of his life is behind him, a dark distant memory that shall never be returned to, and never discussed again.
Now unfortunately this doesn’t extend to the male gender, as it has been reported that he was involved in a studio assault against one Sha’keir Duarte after Duarte claimed that his entourage had become involved in an altercation with Frank Ocean. Amusingly, there was no image that the NP judges could view for this incident, so on most major news sources online, pictures of Brown’s previous legal misdemeanours have been broadcast, as there are plenty to hand. We say well done Chris, you’ve moved on, and if you keep yourself busy in and out of lawsuits, no one is going to get (physically) hurt. And that can only be a good thing. Just keep writing the hits (sorry).
That’s all we have time for folks, we’re off to catch the 34, it’s getting late.
Update – 3.04am: We’re still here.