After a perilous journey up the M1 in his 2010 VW Polo (with epic speakers), Jack Wills-Abercrombie began his quest for social validation. Armed with a wardrobe of stripy polo shirts and an insatiable desire for banter-infused lash, he has now cemented his position as the arch-BNOC of University Park. Jack feels it is now his duty to endorse the BNOC message. He’s less about Uni, and more about UNAY!

Dear Jack, 

With Christmas just around the corner, I’ve been racking my brains for a good present for my boyfriend. He’s a bit laddy, so I thought you would be the perfect person to ask! Any tips?

Carrie

***

Hi Carrie, 

Ah, Christmas. A time to wrap up in your favourite gilet and revel in the imminent prospect of leaving Lenton’s bleak and barren wastelands.

But nothing brings more joy to my beleaguered southern heart than the incoming Christmas booze up. The All Nighters; the end of year dinners; the spontaneous lashing. Thank you, Jesus. Praise be your alcohol-ridden festivities.

I digress.

Carrie my unenlightened friend, let me enlighten you. The secret to any BNOC’s heart lies in his ego. Like an Argos air bed, now and again it leaks a bit, and needs some topping up. So listen to this and you’ll keep him fully inflated.

Spoiler alert! Your boyfriend doesn’t care what you get him. The arch-BNOC is a provider, a breadwinner and a dominant beast of the pack. Thus he merely wants you to show him appreciation for what he’s got you.

So do the decent thing: pick him up a bottle of Smirnoff and fawn over his (what is likely to be pathetic) attempt to buy you a present. That is all he requires.

Keep it real Notts,

Jack

If you have any questions you would like Jack to answer, send them to [email protected]

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Image: caterina.appia via Compfight cc

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