We all know the feeling. Those things you just cannot stand. They keep you awake at night. They make your skin crawl. They awake a hatred within you that you haven’t known since the checkout machine said there was an unexpected item in the baggage area. Go on, put it in Room 101.
Sliders. Everyone who’s anyone, who’s edgy has a pair. They’re probably kicking around in the bottom of an artistically messy wardrobe, along with some scuffed up New Balance trainers. Where edgy footwear is concerned, these partners in crime come top of the kit list.
They have been this summer’s must have for every middle-class, powder sniffing rebel. Putting on their trusty sliders these young boys and girls have been systematically flinging open their doors, picking up their back packs and heading off into the big wide world, re-inventing themselves one step at a time.
Now, while sliders are a more recent phenomenon, they in fact have a rich heritage.
Historically, sliders are what’s known as ‘old people shoes.’ Clawing their way back from the dark, dark ages of thick yellow toe nails, bunions and cracked heals, with the help of Nike, these glorified flip flops have managed to make a comeback on the feet of unsuspecting youths.
“If a crock and a jelly shoe got together, chances are their horrid, illegitimate child would look something like a slider”
Now I know that with regards to edgy clothing, old is the new new. Which is fine. I myself happen to be partial to a spending spree in Cow/ the Lace Market boutiques. I’m not by any means condoning the, to use the appropriate term, ‘wavey’ movement altogether.
But some things drop out of fashion for a reason. Some of your grandad’s coats SHOULD NOT be worn to the thrift shop. No one’s trying to bring back the sweater vest or those hideous opaque beige tights that wrinkle at the ankles.
Can no one else see that, like the afore mentioned fashion fopas, sliders are just plain ugly? If a crock and a jelly shoe got together, chances are their horrid, illegitimate child would look something like a slider.
And, worst of all, it’s not even as though the winter will necessarily provide the average slip-on-hater any respite. Sadly, some of our most dedicated slider wearers are determined to make us bear witness to this awful craze throughout the cold and rainy months as well. A phenomenon usually only seen on the feet of middle aged men and avid campers, these people take to the streets wearing a more urban adaptation of the ultimate footwear travesty – Socks. And. Sandals. This, quite frankly has to be stopped.
“The ultimate footwear travesty – Socks. And. Sandals. This, quite frankly has to be stopped.”
Beside, taking aesthetics out of the equation, I’m genuinely concerned for the well-being of those ten, poor and suffering toes. Despite the kudos you might think you’re attaining through this awful fashion statement, gangrene is never going to be cool.
So, in the words of everyone’s favourite mean girl, I entreat you – ‘STOP TRYING TO MAKE SLIDERS HAPPEN’. This craze has gone way too far already.
If you’ve worn out your Nike slip ons over the summer and are thinking of replacing them this October, I ask that you pause and take a moment to reflect. Don’t be a ‘slave to the brand,’ don’t be so predictable, don’t be so shallow. Instead, make a commitment to buy a beautiful pair of shoes with a vibrant personality and in doing so, show the rest of the world that you actually have one.
Do baked beans make you cringe? Are slow walkers your living hell? Send your own Room 101 to [email protected]
Image: Daniel Lobo
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