Ever had an opinion you just couldn’t keep to yourself? Many of our writers feel the same way, and at long last – we’re letting them loose. Get ready for some serious controversy! Next up it’s Joe on Toy Story

Nostalgia is the death of good judgment! Disney magic can turn even the most rational human being into a gurgling infant. Nevertheless, the time has come to wake up and smell the roses. In retrospect, I’m sure you’ll see they’re not that sweet…

Point in case – Toy Story (1995). Not only Pixar’s dazzling debut, but the birth of an entirely new animated medium. The timeless tale of two unlikely heroes who, through a heart-warming journey, end up best friends – blah blah blah. Let’s face it, we’ve been brainwashed. Take out that well-worn DVD. Put on that ‘classic’ film. I guarantee, before your twenty minutes in, you’ll come to realise a horrible truth…

Pic 1

Woody‘s not a nice guy. In fact, he’s a twat. A bold claim, I know. Even now I can feel your scepticism. “How dare he insult my childhood”, “he doesn’t know what he’s talking about”, “Pixar wouldn’t do such a thing”! Wouldn’t they? The proof is out there, and now, I’m showing it for the world to see.

Picture this, you’re Andy’s favourite toy, leader of the community, big fish in a little room. You know it can’t last, any adult can see that. So when the new guy pulls up in a stylish new spaceship, what do you do? Say hey, shake hands – accept defeat like a man. You had a good run, now it’s time someone else had a go.

What do you not do? Trap the guy in an enclosed space where he’ll never be found! Or did you forget that bit where our eponymous ‘hero’ (ahem) attempts to drive RC into a bewildered-looking Buzz? His masterplan? With Buzz gone, Andy will revert back to his Woody-loving ways.

Pic 2

But what if that plan had succeeded? Let’s break that down.  If Andy can’t find Buzz, what chance to the other toys have? Even if they did, how would they reach him? Remember, in toy terms, the average cabinet is the size of a cliff – and just as steep. Buzz runs on batteries, (hence the laser). With no-one to replace them, they’re bound to run out at some point. That would leave him without the energy to move, speak or even think. Isn’t that the equivalent of toy death? At the very least, he’s put into a coma without any chance of return. Make no mistake, what we’re dealing with is nothing short of attempted murder!

All this, and we haven’t even touched the psychological torture of Sid Phillips – a boy whose only crime was tinkering with toys – or in other words – being a normal child. He wasn’t to know they were alive! Also, let’s not forget that the only reason that Woody partnered with Buzz was to save his own skin.

Pic 3

True, he did some good, returning to save his ‘pal’ from being mauled by Spud. But ask yourselves this, would either of them have been in that situation if Woody hadn’t tried to murder Buzz in the first place? From where I’m sitting, the evidence is pretty conclusive. I’m not out to ruin your childhood, I’m not out to insult Pixar and I’m certainly not out to ridicule Toy Story! But let’s agree on one thing, Woody really is a twat!

Joe Jones     

Images sourced from Toy Story, Walt Disney Pictures Pixar

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