We all know the feeling. Those things you just cannot stand. They keep you awake at night. They make your skin crawl. They awake a hatred within you that you haven’t known since the checkout machine said there was an unexpected item in the baggage area. Go on, put it in Room 101.
I’m not a fussy eater. I enjoy food and will try almost anything, but I will categorically never, ever eat cucumber. Over my twenty years of life I have developed a passionate hatred of the slimy green vegetable as well as the deluded cucumber supporters who claim ‘but it doesn’t even taste of anything’, whilst looking at me with a mixture of bemusement and confusion. I can confirm that it definitely does taste of something. The smell alone is enough to make me retch. I can’t even hate cucumber without feeling the weight of others heavy judgement as they munch away on an evil stick of greenness. The worst types of people are those who, not satisfied with chopping it up and adding it as an ingredient to other food, take a whole cucumber and proceed to eat it like an apple. What are you doing? Stop it.
“Spare a thought for the lone protester, trying to find her way in a world of delusional people with weird taste buds”
The worst part is that I seem to be the minority in a world of cucumber lovers. A world in which every food establishment and supermarket insists on hiding it within every sandwich, salad or dish, so that I can’t even enjoy the simple pleasure of a meal deal without finding an unwelcome surprise in my hoisin duck wrap or ham salad sandwich. Thanks Sainsburys, but cucumber doesn’t compliment your sandwich fillings. It just infuses the whole item with its pungent taste and leaves me feeling dissatisfied and a little let down, left to face Hallward on an empty stomach. The sneaky, sly vegetable taints everything it comes into contact with, and should not be trusted.
So next time you find yourself tucking into some cucumber or a cucumber related food product, spare a thought for the lone protester, trying to find her way in a world of delusional people with weird taste buds.
Do baked beans make you cringe? Are slow walkers your living hell? Send your own Room 101 to firstname.lastname@example.org
Image: Karen and Brad Emerson on Flickr
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