We all know the feeling. Those things you just cannot stand. They keep you awake at night. They make your skin crawl. They awake a hatred within you that you haven’t known since the checkout machine said there was an unexpected item in the baggage area. Go on, put it in Room 101.

In life there are one of two ways you handle an argument. One; listen, understand and put forward your point of view. Second; tell your opponent to calm down. Tensions have remained tepid until now. The point of no return has just shot out of your mouth in two succinct, condescending little words and you’ve now, rather quintessentially, crossed the line from annoying imbecile to antagonistic prick.

This two-word utterance is a pertinent paradigm of what-not-to-do in a hostile dispute. It’s going to unleash a tidal wave of fury and you’re the one that’s going to get drowned.

“There is nothing quite as loathsome as some belligerent bell-end armed with the two words that function like a hideous case of morning breath”

If you find this gem hidden among your vernacular, do us all a favour and efface it. Because really, it’s just an imitative response that reveals an abysmal incompetence to deal with confrontation affectively. Not to mention making you sound like an unbelievable gob-shite.

Now I don’t want to present myself as an exceedingly bitter individual. I understand the world does not owe me a favour. But truly, there is nothing quite as loathsome as some belligerent bell-end armed with the two words that function like a hideous case of morning breath. For future reference, the best way to resolve an issue is not to command someone to do the thing it is quite obvious they are not prepared to do. Such logic is perplexing and utterly idiotic.  Calm down you say? I was calm… UNTIL YOU SAID THAT!

My advice is simple and universal. If this repugnant phrase features among your repertoire, expunge it and think of something else. Don’t decide to use it on the person you barge past in Crisis and definitely don’t use it when you’re the one that’s pushed in a queue. Otherwise you’ll leave someone with the laborious task of putting you in your rightful place.  If you think I’m being hysterical that’s fine, just please do not tell me to calm down.

Grace Bright

Image by Paree on Flickr 

Do baked beans make you cringe? Are slow walkers your living hell? Send your own Room 101 to [email protected]

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