The next US Presidential election is less than a year away, so the Republicans need a candidate. For British observers, this is usually an amusing time as we watch a group of ill-informed cretins compete to prove themselves most ignorant/popular, however you see it. Choosing between a group of Republicans is generally like choosing between different airborne diseases, in this analogy Donald Trump would be Ebola – infectious, deadly, nauseous. Of course, this means he leads in every poll undertaken. It would not be fair however if we let the rest of the candidates off the hook, so here’s a rundown of all the major contenders. As any Republican primary is truly a race to the bottom, we’ll go from best to worst. Brace yourselves for a truly lamentable list.

8. Carly Fiorina

The dubious honour of the best (or should that be least worst) candidate goes to the only woman in the race, former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina. She accepts the idea that climate change is man-made (even if she doesn’t think the government can do anything about it), and is pretty chilled on drugs by Republican standards. Naturally, it’s not all good news as Fiorina wants to abandon net neutrality and break off relations with Iran, but you can’t have everything.


7. Jeb Bush

Oh my God there’s three of them! The best thing about Bush III is his debate performances, which have been so poor he looks to have no chance of succeeding his father and brother as President. Helped G.W. steal the 2000 election.


6. Chris Christie

The imaginatively named New Jersey governor outlawed gay conversion therapy for children in his state, so bonus points for that – even if I’m horrified that it was ever a thing. Christie’s policies are firmly in conventional Republican territory on most things, however, as he holds predictable views on tax, the recreational use of cannabis and the minimum wage. Interestingly, Christie changed his view on abortion back in 1996 from pro-choice to pro-life after hearing the heartbeat of his unborn daughter realising his political career would be screwed if he didn’t.


5. Rand Paul

Libertarian candidate Rand Paul doesn’t think gay marriage or marijuana should be legal, so he’s basically not a very good libertarian. These policy inconsistencies sit alongside absurdities, such as establishing a flat tax of 17% on everyone and ending all foreign aid. Paul supports the Tea Party, opposes all forms of gun control, and is 100% sane.


4. Marco Rubio

Rubio is the third most Conservative politician in the senate, which is really hard to achieve and as commendable as being the third most successful elephant poacher in Africa. Blah blah cut corporate taxes, blah blah repeal Obamacare, blah blah oppose net neutrality, blah blah climate change isn’t man made etc.


3. Ted Cruz

Reading through a list of Ted Cruz’s policy positions is like playing ignorance bingo. He rejects the scientific consensus on climate change, is vehemently opposed to a higher minimum wage and a strong supporter of gun ownership. Cruz has said that ‘the simple and undeniable fact is the overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats’ which is why he thinks the party is too soft on crime. There are no words.


2. Ben Carson

Where do you even start with this chap? A doctor who doesn’t believe in evolution and a lover of offensive Nazi analogies, Carson has called Obama’s healthcare reforms ‘the worst thing to happen to this country since slavery’. On foreign policy he’s arguably even worse, once asking if a Palestinian State could be established by taking a chunk of the Sinai from Egypt. Ben is no fan of gun control and wrote in a recent book that The Holocaust wouldn’t have happened if the Jews of Germany had been armed. No really, he actually wrote that.


1. Donald Trump

No prizes for predicting the number 1. We’ve all heard about the ridiculous things which The Donald comes out with on a weekly basis in a bid to keep on beating his own world record for most stupid human in existence and he shows no sign of stopping now. Among his highest profile gaffes (or in Republican speak, most popular statements) are saying Mexicans are rapists, proposing a wall along the entire border and calling for a complete ban on Muslim immigration. It’s no surprise then that Trump will almost certainly win the nomination. What a time to be alive.


Jack Langslow

All images: DonkeyHotey via Flickr

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  1. T
    December 21, 2015 at 23:30 — Reply

    I realise that this is an article posted in the comments section, where pieces will obviously have a somewhat more personal and subjective style.
    But, this article has virtually zero intellectual balance, it is ignorant not only of U.S politics but of U.S culture, it is offensively immature and it’s the kind of liberal apologist drivel that I’d expect from the Tab and not from Impact Magazine.
    Impact magazine often writes investigative pieces that are brave, and truly interesting to a student of the university that it serves. However, sometimes there needs to be a step-back, one far enough so that it can see that the sanctimonious, left-wing rubbish such as this, does not inform the student body whatsoever.

    • Jack Langslow
      December 24, 2015 at 13:19 — Reply

      It’s meant to be humourous rather than a serious analysis of the race for the Republican nomination. Surely you can see that the piece is not designed to be taken entirely seriously. I’m also curious as to what you think is ‘apologist’ about it. I’m not defending anything or making excuses for anybody I’m mocking the Republican candidates for their objective lack of intellect. Why not try to defend the recent comments made my the likes of Trump, Carson and Cruz for yourself rather than going on a rant that uses all the same sort of terms one usually sees in the comments section of the Daily Mail?

      • Disgruntled, disappointed left-winger.
        January 2, 2016 at 16:29 — Reply

        While it’s obvious this aims to be satirical, it falls far short of that. One of the big perceptions regarding the left-wing political circle in America is that it’s full of middle class, ‘east coast snobbery’, unwilling to actually debate issues the right wing brings up. This piece highlights why they do think that.

        There’s no satire in this piece, it’s just listing what they think, then using provocative phrases like “ill-informed cretins.” As a fellow left-winger (presuming, from the above piece, you are one), may I suggest you take a minute of your time to instead consider why these people are so popular among GOP voters? It might provide you with a higher quality of comment and ability to mock them.

        Your reaction to criticism is perhaps equally as enlightening. Claiming your criticiser is using language equal to a commenter on a Daily Mail article is incredibly ironic, given your piece seems to have all of the level of intellectual critique as a Daily Mail gossip piece. Learn to take the criticism, maybe it will make you a better journalist.

        Next time, rather than just stating the horrific views of these people and then insulting them, dig a little deeper. It’s not even hard to satirise these people.

  2. December 23, 2015 at 17:24 — Reply

    I appreciate your comment T. We try to keep a good balance between humour and the more investigative work that you speak of. What would Comment be without a little satire.

    If you’d like to read some of our more serious work about American politics please see the following:

    Liberty For Who? America, It’s Time To Give Up The Gun

    The Prosperity of Iranian Diplomacy

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